I was trolling the internet tonight and I came across a story about Anna Kournikova being dumped from the Biggest Loser. Seems like they will be seeking a new trainer for the next season. Then an idea came to me: how awesome would it be if Mark Rippetoe was the trainer on that show?
Biggest Loser Contestant: What exercises will we be doing?
Rip: There is simply no other exercise, and certainly no machine, that produces the level of central nervous system activity, improved balance and coordination, skeletal loading and bone density enhancement, muscular stimulation and growth, connective tissue stress and strength, psychological demand and toughness, and overall systemic conditioning than the correctly performed full squat.
BLC: Do I have to squat – can’t I do something else?
Rip: There are few things graven in stone, except that you have to squat or you’re a pussy.
BLC: I don’t know how to squat.
Rip: I can teach idiots to squat in ten minutes.
BLC: But squats are hard!
Rip: Only people willing to work to the point of discomfort on a regular basis using effective means to produce that discomfort will actually look like they have been other-than-comfortable most of the time.
BLC: Don’t yell at me like that!
Rip: Poor form in the gym is caused by insufficient yelling.
Rip would also be the nutritional counselor on the show:
Rip: I have bought 4-6 double cheeseburgers and thrown away the bread many times. But I think they just raised the price from $1 to $1.25. Rapists.
BLC: I’m a vegetarian. I don’t even eat chicken.
Rip: Okay, have you ever been around chickens? They are stupid, uncooperative, inconvenient, ill-tempered creatures. They get what they deserve. F**k chickens.
BLC: What else could I eat?
Rip: You need to drink one gallon of full fat milk everyday. It’s almost mandatory.
BLC: I don’t consume dairy, either.
BLC: Baby mammals drink milk, and you sir, are a baby mammal.
BLC: OK, what if I drank 2 gallons of milk a day instead of one?
Rip: But you would be shitting primarily cheese. Are you ready for this?
Now that would be entertaining.