Performance Enhancing Drugs


Run 5K.


Simply awful time. This in spite of the fact that I was hocked up on drugs – Midol, to be exact. Is Midol considered a performance enhancing drug? Do professional women athletes get to use it, and if not, is the money and glory worth it? Win Wimbledon and $1 million dollars, or take Midol. Hmmmm, have to think about that one. If you are one of those guys that travels around and shows up at 5:35 a.m. to test a professional woman athlete for drugs, and she comes up positive for Midol, I would recommend taking the following steps:

  • STOP. Back away slowly if you can do so safely. Running may stimulate her instinct to chase and attack. Face the her, stand upright and maintain eye contact.
  • DO NOT APPROACH A HER, especially if she is eating chocolate. Most women will try to avoid a confrontation. Give them a way to escape.
  • STAY CALM. Talk to her in a calm yet firm voice.
  • DO ALL YOU CAN TO APPEAR LARGER. Raise your arms. Open your jacket if you’re wearing one. If you have small children with you, protect them by picking them up so they won’t panic and run.
  • If the she behaves aggressively, THROW STONES, BRANCHES OR WHATEVER YOU CAN GET YOUR HANDS ON without crouching down or turning your back. You want to convince the her that you are not prey and that you may, in fact, know where the ice cream is.
  • DO NOT FIGHT BACK if a she attacks. Curl up in a fetal position and play dead. She will eventually lose interest and wander off in search of chocolate.

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